The Year of 35

Aw yes... the year has arrived.  I will be 35 this year.  For some reason, the general societal consensus seems to be that once you are 35,  you are washed up and past child bearing years.  I certainly hope that's not the real truth. After taking last year to alter our lifestyle to include less stress which was affecting my health.... with some other changes this year, we hope this could be our year.

I've had so many friends lately either announce a pregnancy or give birth; it's taking a toll on me for some reason as of late.  Why is it I don't have that same feeling with my newborn photography?  The personal connection to the friends I suppose?  I'm over joyed for them, don't get me wrong.  But lately when I hear or see anything related to their pregnancies, it's a mix of joy and sadness.  I find myself this year doing a lot of "why not me" questions.

The other day I pondered a lot and reflected on some feelings I was having.  I fee like some days I'm missing a purpose.  Yes I have a wonderful husband, amazing fur-baby, and a job I love.  But there's this empty feeling in my heart and soul.  A part of me is missing.  A part of me is empty.  It's quiet in this place.  I want to wake in the night to a crying baby.  I want to change my own child's dirty diapers.  I want to brush their hair, love them when they fall, guide them when they falter.  I want to see my husband's eyes in our child.  See their grandparents gush all over them.

Why not me?  Have I done something wrong to not be good enough to be a mother?

"Is it hard to be around the newborns?"

So the 3rd post into this blog is a good time to share with you what I do.  I'm a professional photographer, and one area I specialize in is newborn art photography.  The kind where you prop them up on soft pretty blankets, and snuggle them with lots of layers in fun baskets and buckets...adorning them with cute props to make it "just perfect".  I LOVE newborn art photography... but it's a special kind of photography that requires a lot of passion, dedication and hard work to make these sessions a success.

I'm often asked by friends and clients alike, "is it hard to be around the newborns".  Obviously these people that ask this know that I suffer from IF.  I don't just open with that with my newborn clients, but often they ask during a session if I have children.  I'm not shy... and although I don't share the nitty gritty details, I no longer struggle with telling people, I suffer from IF.

But the question still is there... is it hard?  Sure.  If I focus on it and think about it constantly, yes, it's hard.  But I find a lot of peace and joy in photographing newborns.  So although it's hard... I love what I do, and will continue with it no matter my IF journey.  Not going to lie... I hope one day I'm photographing my own newborn ☺.