Wednesday, November 5, 2014

"Is it hard to be around the newborns?"

So the 3rd post into this blog is a good time to share with you what I do.  I'm a professional photographer, and one area I specialize in is newborn art photography.  The kind where you prop them up on soft pretty blankets, and snuggle them with lots of layers in fun baskets and buckets...adorning them with cute props to make it "just perfect".  I LOVE newborn art photography... but it's a special kind of photography that requires a lot of passion, dedication and hard work to make these sessions a success.

I'm often asked by friends and clients alike, "is it hard to be around the newborns".  Obviously these people that ask this know that I suffer from IF.  I don't just open with that with my newborn clients, but often they ask during a session if I have children.  I'm not shy... and although I don't share the nitty gritty details, I no longer struggle with telling people, I suffer from IF.

But the question still is there... is it hard?  Sure.  If I focus on it and think about it constantly, yes, it's hard.  But I find a lot of peace and joy in photographing newborns.  So although it's hard... I love what I do, and will continue with it no matter my IF journey.  Not going to lie... I hope one day I'm photographing my own newborn ☺.

Friday, October 24, 2014

"If You Can't Have Kids Naturally, You Weren't Meant To Be A Parent".... said the meanest person ever

You will find me bounce all around my story since I'm starting well into it..... keep up with me :)

There's always the friend that is there for you.  But there is always the friend that isn't.  I never knew there was the friend that would hurt you with words so harsh they stabbed you in the heart.

A friend once said to me... "If You Can't Have Kids Naturally, You Weren't Meant To Be A Parent".  He, yes it was a he... was not saying this to me, but in context in a conversation we were having.  At the time, he didn't know much about my IF story.  As he said that, I informed him what a cold hearted cruel person I thought he was for saying that, basically, I went off on him.  How can someone say I'm not meant to be a parent.  Are you saying I'm not good enough?  Just because you and your spouse can think about getting pregnant and do with out hardly a thought to it, does that make you a better parent?  Yes I went off... used some colorful language... it was not my proudest moment.  Or was it?

He had no idea of my story.  No clue about my journey, my struggles, my let downs.  Once his statement had a personal impact on someone, it all of a sudden had a stronger meaning.  Yes after a long talk he apologized, the pain was already there.  It's not the first time I'd heard that.  In those specific words, yes... but I'd heard that "thought" before.  From strangers, from friends... even my family.   People that do not struggle with IF might be able to have compassion, and understanding even with out the struggle.  But there are most definitely those that never give it a thought, do not think about it even once, and never realize how painful of a journey it is.  Words slice... the next time you speak...remember you don't know the other person's journey.  Share your words, not pain.

I'm not yet a parent... but I'm a good person... and will be a good parent when my time comes.  I'm not a parent... but I have a heart... a soul... and I hurt just like you.  I'm not a parent...and I alone live in my empty solitude.

Where do I begin?

Are they tired of hearing me talk about it?

Are they thinking "why won't she just move on"?

It's been 2 years since we had our failed IUI cycles.  Yes... IUI.  This blog is my outlet, my story, my place to "say it out loud".  That baby I haven't been able to have... that family I haven't been able to tuck in at night... my friends and family might not hear me talk about it often anymore, but that doesn't make it less real.  I just stopped talking about it.  Some told me they were tired of hearing about it.  Others seemed to just stop listening.  And it hurt... it just never stopped hurting to talk about it.

Empty Solitude....welcome to my journey.